Back to the altar

Ever since Covid struck, I, like so many other staunch Christians, had to stop going to church, and years later, despite the pandemic’s exit, are yet to go back.

We simply tune in to the church service via YouTube while lounging in bed in our pamajas, and with a mug of chai on one hand and the other scrolling through our phone.

The experience is never the same.  Virtual attendees are no different from guys who put on a virtual fireplace background on their TVs during Christmas to give that cozy cabin-like Christmas morning feel.  It’s a fire alright, but it gives no warmth. 

That's why, now, I need to go and find me a real fireplace.  It hasn't been easy since, what I’m looking for needs to befit my criteria of specific needs and wants:

I would love to join a church that everyone is welcome – people from all walks and different kinds of sinners.  Funny how despite us all being sinners, most churches excommunicate when you sin.  I would also love to be at a place where there’s no designated VIP parking and entry’s and washrooms; we are all equal right?

Can the services be separate - with different section for kids, teens, young adults and grown folks?

I also don’t want to be a congregant of a church where the pastors are ever barking and gas lighting us to give and give, bowing down to the hefty givers and rebuking the lazy hand that giveth little.

Can I also get to worship without my face being zoomed out in screens or my photos making rounds on social media?  Please let me be intimate with God without crusading my moments to masses.

I also can’t stand the screaming and shouting and jumping around and wiping sweat off your brow and polluting the environment with noise to a church of100. Where are all the teacher-like preachers at?

The fake miracles, speaking in tongues, driving out demons, prophesying…I don’t want that, cos’ it’s ever fake and so very poorly dramatized.

Please, no uniforms, and no flag.  Still, let it not be a fashion show.

How expensive is it to give a free cup of tea and andazi. I see no reason why a church should operate a restaurant within its premises yet sell these basics when they can give them for free.

You know of such a church, please take me there!